Life Together in New Life

Life Together in New Life: Biblical Principles to Cultivate a Healthy Marriage - by Josh Lyon

AT11: Reformed Devotion and Discipline - Dr. Ryan M. McGraw

Marriage is beautiful. No institution better reflects the image of Christ’s love for His church than the union of man and wife. However, experience often tells another story. The growing demand for martial counseling[1] demonstrates that what God intends to display His glory is infected by sin. As a result, couples often battle bitterness, unforgiveness, selfishness, and impatience. Even Christians, committed to Christ and their marital covenants, suffer the consequences and misery of sin throughout life with their other half. To find a remedy, believers, whether single and desiring marriage, newlywed, or seasoned spouses, would do well to look to Paul’s instructions about marriage and Christian living in Ephesians. In his letter the saints find the foundation for gospel transformation rooted in the Father’s eternal purposes accomplished in Christ, and applied to the life of the believer by the work of the Holy Spirit. It is this work of recreation which eradicates sin, delivers the Christian from its dominion,[2] and provides the marital cure: to cultivate a healthy marriage, a husband and wife must strive to do good for and forgive each other (Eph. 4:32).[3] These Spirit-born marks of new life serve as an antidote to sin for Christian spouses who seek a marriage which flourishes and glorifies the Triune God.

Do Good

To analyze any antidote, one must break down its ingredients. The first component of Paul’s command in Ephesians 4:32 is “to be kind to one another,” or in other words, to do good to one another. However, in an era when words, morals, and mores are relative and dynamic, people may define what is truly “good” in marriage differently. To prevent misunderstanding, establishing the biblical goals of marriage will clarify the ultimate good for man and wife.

Understanding the Good Goals of Marriage

As a God-ordained institution, marriage is designed by and purposed by Him, and thus is defined by His parameters alone. For example, God established two fundamental regulations involving the types of people He intended to enter this relationship: from the beginning, one man was meant to marry one woman (Gen. 2:24; Matt. 19:3-6); and as redemptive history unfolds, the Scriptures are clear the ideal union consists of one believing man and one believing woman (Deut. 7:3; 22:10; Ezra 9:14; 1 Cor. 7:39; 2 Cor. 6:14).

It follows, therefore, knowing the intended participants and man’s chief end,[4] that the goal of marriage is to glorify the Triune God and enjoy communion with Him. Husband and wife ought to have this purpose in mind both personally and in unity as they live together in marriage. The result of this God-oriented mindset in marriage is a singular life driven and shaped by a desire to please God and bring honor to Him.

The couple pursuing God’s glory as their highest aim will also seek to obey Him, for God’s servants desire to please Him (1 Thess. 2:4; 4:1). This is the second fundamental purpose of marriage. As regenerate saints, husband and wife need to “put on the new self,” as Paul says (Eph. 4:22-24). They are new creations, being remade each day into the image of Christ by the Spirit, and as such “ought to walk in the same way in which He walked” (1 John 2:6), striving to grow in holiness together. This goal is especially important for the husband to bear in mind, for Paul explains Christ Himself gave His life that the church “might be holy and without blemish” (Eph. 5:25-27). The husband desiring to be like Christ must have the same selfless resolve for his wife to be holy as the Savior did His own bride. A husband desiring to see his wife grow in godliness ought to pray regularly for the Spirit to work in her; and strive to develop habits like faithfully attending corporate worship on the Lord’s Days, promoting habitual prayer together, and encourage and guide her as she reads the Word of God daily. God’s glory and growth in holiness are the highest good in marriage, and both must be a couple’s primary goal.

Practicing Good Daily for One Another

Out of the spouses’ broader and loftier goals should flow a habitual practice of daily doing good to one another. This ought to manifest itself in private and public acts of kindness for one’s spouse. All Christians should be eager to love one another (Rom. 12:10), and spouses especially so as two people united as one flesh. The constant contact of the private life will generate countless opportunities to do good to one another.

Practicing kindness in the home is crucial, for with no external accountability or surveillance, life in the home is often the only true thermometer to gauge a marital fever.[5] At the end of a long and wearisome day, behind closed doors and blinds, physical weakness and anonymity can put a marriage to the test. Daily stressors like overbearing bosses or toddler meltdowns provide a perfect breeding ground for frustration, which one misinterpreted comment will quickly turn into animosity towards one’s spouse. During these moments a husband and wife must be diligent and watchful of their own hearts, praying for the Spirit to cultivate kindness within and striving to do good to one another.

The spouses who, by the Spirit, do put to death selfishness and pride and replace it with kindness in mundane moments will cultivate a healthy marriage. Drastic and potentially cataclysmic events like death or financial collapse are rare; praying together, encouragement and support on extended workdays, dishes after dinner, intently listening, and going an extra mile to be thoughtful are each truly life-altering. These, and other, seemingly insignificant yet frequent private acts will slowly steer the course of a marriage toward its ultimate end.

The way a couple treats one another in the home will also directly influence the way they conduct themselves in public. A husband and wife cultivating habitual kindness in private will carry that practice with them outside the home. Sure, struggling spouses can put on a façade to the disinterested onlooker, but anyone paying attention will see past a performance. This does not mean, however, that other people serve only as a guardrail for the couple that has difficulty doing good to one other in private. When in public, the testimony of the professing Christians’ marriage, and ultimately the honor of Christ’s name is on display before outsiders. Others who observe the way a husband and wife relate to each other will draw conclusions concerning the state of that marriage and the God they serve; the couple who does good to one another in public will demonstrate the grace of Jesus Christ to the world.[6] Bringing glory to God by exalting Him publicly fulfills the purpose of marriage, and will strengthen the relationship as the couple cultivates a God-centered life.

All this ought to motivate spouses to promote kindness in their marriage. The more a husband and wife practice genuine goodness to one another—and that habit is lived out for the world to see—the less sin creeps in, and the more Christ’s name is magnified. Learning to do good to one another in private and public is a big step towards cultivating a healthy marriage.

Forgive

Sadly, where sin exists, failure follows. Even the most spiritually mature Christian couples will face the ongoing effects of indwelling sin in marriage. Despite best intentions and genuine growth in sanctification, no spouse will be perfectly kind. Sin is ever-present in this life, and nothing exposes personal sin like marriage. Constant interactions, close quarters, and self-centered agendas often generate conflict as two sinners live together.[7] Yet there is a second component of the antidote to sin in marriage: when couples fail to do good, and sin erodes marital closeness, forgiveness promotes reconciliation. As part of the cure for the effects of sin, developing habitual forgiveness is crucial for Christian couples if they desire to cultivate a healthy marriage.

Forgiveness is Christ-Recalling

Such habitual forgiveness flows from a tender heart. In his devotional commentary on Ephesians, Ian Hamilton links the tenderheartedness Paul requires in Ephesians 4:32 to forgiveness, defining tenderheartedness as “an attitude of generosity and sympathy to people who have fallen and failed.”[8] Christians have been forgiven by God in Christ; to forgive others, a believer must know the filth of sin and the grace of being cleansed from it. Recalling the work of the Triune God in one’s own life is the only way to develop a generous and sympathetic disposition towards sinners.

In fact, the Lord Jesus teaches His disciples to pray with this attitude in mind (Matt. 6:12). He likewise explains this to Simon the Pharisee in Luke 7:47. The spouse who has been forgiven much will love much, and in love and gratitude will certainly forgive. Only the one who has not tasted of, or has forgotten the riches of God’s grace will withhold forgiveness, for “an unforgiving heart is a symptom of an unforgiven heart.”[9] Thus, a couple failing to forgive is missing the mercy of Christ. The more one understands the wonder and blessing of God’s mercy in Christ, the more ready and willing that forgiven sinner will be to forgive. “This,” says Charles Hodge, “is the motive which should constrain us to forgive others.”[10] Additionally, to withhold forgiveness in any way is also arrogant, for the Judge of All the Earth alone utterly pardons and saves sinners, and His servants have no right to make their own determinations.[11] Recognizing one’s own sinfulness and great need of Christ is the foundation for extending forgiveness towards another. As a husband and wife learn to rightly view themselves as sinners forgiven in Christ, and recipients of the extravagant mercy of God, they will each nurture a gracious disposition towards one another.[12]

Forgiveness is Immediate and Ongoing

A couple who has this fundamental attitude, daily recalling the mercy of Christ, will be prepared to forgive in practice, too. This is important when sin presents itself in marriage, for even slight offenses can lead to bitterness if not handled properly. The couple must respond with confession, repentance, and forgiveness, or else risk heading down a path toward division. Whether through self-awareness or confrontation, the offender should always confess wrongdoing immediately.[13] If genuine confession and repentance does occur, the offended spouse should then be ready and quick to forgive (Luke 17:3-4), a mandate which is especially applicable to marriage.

A prompt and proper response to sin in marriage is not the only practical consideration, however, for Paul commands believers to be “forgiving one another” in the present tense (Eph. 4:32). He anticipates ongoing sin, so a husband or wife must be prepared to forgive time and time again (Matt. 18:22) as two sinners live together. God’s abundant and free forgiveness “is exercised notwithstanding the number, the enormity and the long continuance of our transgressions.”[14] The LORD forgives His own time and time again; man and wife, being renewed after the image of God,[15] ought to do the same for each other.

Without the Spirit’s transforming work, bringing these fruits to bear in a marriage, a couple will remain stuck in their ways. For those desiring true and lasting change, the solution is clear: watch and pray (Mark 14:38). Pray for the Spirit’s help, pray to see God’s mercy in Christ, and be diligent to guard against sin and put on righteousness. As spouses learn to look to Christ, striving to do good for and forgive one another in new life, they will cultivate a healthy marriage. Such a holiness-aspiring union will best reflect the LORD’s glory and love for His own.

Bibliography

[1] Douglas J. Wilson, Reforming Marriage (Moscow, ID: Canon Press, 1995), 66.

[2] Westminster Assembly, The Westminster Confession of Faith: Edinburgh Edition (Philadelphia: William S. Young, 1851), 105. WCF 20:1.

[3] Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture citations are from the ESV.

[4] WLC Q. 1 asserts “man’s chief and highest end is to glorify God, and fully to enjoy Him for ever.”

[5] Wilson, Reforming Marriage, 8.

[6] Wilson, Reforming Marriage, 60.

[7] Van Dixhoorn and Van Dixhoorn, 126.

[8] Ian Hamilton, Ephesians, ed. Joel R. Beeke and Jon D. Payne, The Lectio Continua Expository Commentary on the New Testament (Grand Rapids, MI: Reformation Heritage Books, 2017), 182.

[9] Hamilton, Ephesians, 182.

[10] Charles Hodge, A Commentary on the Epistle to the Ephesians (New York: Robert Carter and Brothers, 1858), 276.

[11] Joel R. Beeke, Friends and Lovers: Cultivating Companionship and Intimacy in Marriage (Adelphi, MD: Cruciform Press, 2012), 66.

[12] Van Dixhoorn and Van Dixhoorn, 126.

[13] Wilson, Reforming Marriage, 66.

[14] Hodge, Ephesians, 277.

[15] WSC Q. 35.